Your Guide to...DVD Commentary

Now, I've talked a lot of movie talk in my time. I've also done a lot of the TV chatter. I'm a media junkie, so that can't be helped.

I know people who go out and buy new DVDs every Tuesday. Whether they've seen them or not, they buy them. Brand new.

And the next week, these people want nothing more than to tell me about the latest DVD purchases. They want to tell me about the deleted scenes, alt endings, additional disc of 18 unseen hours of whatever.

But whenever I mention commentary, everyone clams up.

At first, I never understood this. People will watch lots of extra stuff on DVDs, otherwise why would it be there? It helps sell the product.

People will watch a lot of stuff, but no one ever listens to commentary. Except for the real nerds.

Only the real nerds want someone else to tell them about the movie, rather than just watching the movie themselves. Please, William Shatner, tell me about Wrath of Khan.

But, I'm being honest here. I'm that kind of nerd. I watch the commentary, because I want to see these things through the creators' eyes. I want to know what Steve Carell is like off-camera.

Nay, I need to know.

I'm going to assume that, if you're reading this, you're not a part of that .001% that enjoys the commentary, so, for your ease, I'm going to explain the commentary so that you might know when it's worth your time.

You need to know who will be in the commentary. I don't just mean, make sure whoever is talking is someone important. I've listened to commentary with lead actors or directors, and they can be boring.

I mean, know what kind of personalities you're going to be listening to. It's like talk radio. If you don't like who's talking, you're not going to want to hear what they're talking about.

I'm a big fan of The Office, and most of the episode commentaries are great because Jenna Fischer or Rainn Wilson are in 99% of the commentary tracks. They're the kind of commentators who keep the energy level high, know when to shut up and when to talk, and, most importantly, they know what's interesting and what is not.

I've noticed that, when the mics are rolling and it's commentary time, there are three types of people.

First, there's the person who acts of MC for the commentary, like Rainn or Jenna as I mentioned eariler. They ask the questions of the other people. They organize the whole show.

Second, there's the person who has something interesting to say. They're the director or casting consultant or writer. However, they won't be the loudest voice. In fact, these people are often intimidated by the third type of commentator...

The loudmouth. The loudmouth doesn't have anything of actual interest to say. Normally, they give insightful comments like "I like this part" or "That was funny." Often, they will simply narrate what is going on. "This is where Frodo drops the ring. Let's watch!" They add nothing of interest, but they're in the commentary because they're someone of importance to the work.

While film commentary will often have the bigger named stars, I'm more often drawn to listening to TV commentary. This is basically because I've come to learn that, if one season of a show has good commentary, the entire series will have good commentary. The Office continues to have good insight. One episode of Season 5 had BJ Novak and the catering crew, and I still found it excellent.

Family Guy has commentary on almost every episode, with Seth MacFarlane in every track.

While 30 Rock's commentary is mostly Tina Fey and her husband, who does music for the show, the commentary is as stunningly brilliant as the show. Occasionally you'll get Alec in there, but mostly it's quiet Tina. But that's fine with me.

Sadly, not all commentary is amazing. Commentary will almost always be interesting to the diehard fan, but to outsiders, it can be a waste.

Avoid commentary with less than three people. It gets slow or dull. Also, avoid commentary with a whole party of people. It's usually hard to tell what's being said, and it sounds like the commentators are just having a keg party back there.

How I Met Your Mother's commentary mainly consists of the show's creators, Carter Bays and Craig Thomas, pimping their band and narrating the show. While I'm a huge fan of this show, I don't really have a stomach for the commentary.

Others, while not outstanding, are definitely worth the listen. Tropic Thunder features Robert Downey Jr. doing his character voice throughout the entire film.

Yes, it's for the nerdiest of the nerds, but it's awesome. At least, I think so.

Writing Exercise: "The Five Dollar Bill"

Again, another exercise I cannot take credit for. I found this one on C.M. Mayo's website of 5 Minute Writing Exercises.

"The Five Dollar Bill"
A five dollar bill changes hands five times in one day. Make a list of where, when, who hands it over, and for what. For example:
~Where: Starbucks, New Jersey Turnpike
~When: 7:30 am;
~Who: Bob, a truck driver;
~What: a cup of coffee (black) and a bean burrito.
If you can complete this exercise in less than five minutes, go back and add more detail to describe the places and the people.


Where: Movie Theater, Manhattan
When: 10:00 p.m.
Who: Chris Rogers
What: 2 tickets to the newest chick flick

Where: 7-11, Queens
When: 12:13 a.m.
Who: Hank Greer (who pocketed the $5)
What: Diapers

Where: First National Bank, Midtown
When: 9:10 a.m.
Who: Mario Oliveri
What: Deposit of Yesterday's Cash

Where: Back Alley, Bronx
When: 7:03 p.m.
Who: Jenna Hiteman (who robbed the bank)
What: "8 Ball"

Where: Joe's Floral
When: 8:30 p.m.
Who: Chris Rogers
What: Dozen red roses

(Note: I took the guideline of "changes hands 5 times in one day" to equal 24 hours. Also, my five dollar bill is most times part of a larger transaction. For example, clearly the deposit at the bank is not just $5.)

This is one I really had fun with when it was all over. I had a little difficulty finishing within the 5 minutes, as I really thought about plot as I made the dollar change hands. Once finished, I was kind of amazed how the plot twisted and actually had a meaning behind it, although somewhat shallow.

The Disney/Marvel Team-up!

Undoubtedly, you have all heard of Disney's buyout of Marvel Entertainment for the low, low, bargain bin price of a mere 4 billion cool ones, but I thought I'd take the time and address this matter from the point of view of a fan who is not (yet) a fanboy.

(The key difference between "fan" and "fanboy" is in the intensity with which one approaches the material. For instance, when I read Wolverine, I always give a Joe Cool thumbs-up whenever Logan pops his claws, inevitably causing a SNIKT sound effect. This is the sign of a fan.

A fanboy, however, reads Wolverine while wearing a Wolverine costume - at least the mask and hairdo - and yells profanity anytime SNIKT is not drawn in exactly the same style as his first in costume appearance in GIANT-SIZE X-MEN #1. A fanboy also follows up this lovely reading experience by going onto the interwebs of doom, finding a comic book message board, and creating a thread called "WOLVERINE IS SO TEH LAME NOW, I HATE HIM FOR MAKING ME WASTE MY ALLOWANCE!!!1!!")

Disney buying Marvel, in my opinion, is nothing short of a good opportunity. For one, we can now get a Beast/Beast crossover.

Really, though, if you check message boards and poll the opinions of comic book fans, they will tell you this is the apocalypse. Trees are dying, the oceans are drying up, and Mickey is responsible.

Most people in the biz will tell you this is actually a good thing. More outlets for Marvel characters to be seen - more TV shows, more movies, more video games. I don't really see how this is negative. I doubt Disney will decide that "Disneyfy" (the newest buzz word to come out of this whole deal) and make things more kid-friendly than necessary.

But, in the end, why should I, the consumer, be concerned?

Namely, a Silver Surfer/Buzz Lightyear mini-series!


I kid, I kid.

It's an honest reaction to worry about a hobby some of us have enjoyed every Wednesday since we were 7. I get that. Comics have defined our lives. You don't want to see Spider-Man suddenly become 10 years old and fight mean old Dr. Octy-puss. But I don't think we have to worry about that. Really I don't.

The prime example being used lately is Pixar, owned by Disney since 2006. They've been doing just fine, as Disney pretty much let them keep doing what they've been doing. Now, the flip side is that Pixar was doing kid-friendly stuff at the time, and Marvel is currently focused more on an adult market.

Should we worry? I would say no. Disney won't do anything drastic. Marvel has clearly defined its market, and I don't think Disney is looking to change it. Expand it, maybe. But not change.

But, only time will tell, I guess.

Oh, one more!

Snow White and Emma Frost: Disney Divas!


OK, I'm done. I think.